A Lovely Dream

Day 13

WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS FOR NEXT YEAR?
HUH? DO YOU KNOW?
WHAT WERE THEY LAST YEAR?
DID YOU REACH THEM?
WHY NOT?
WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY CANT YOU ACHIVE YOUR GOALS?

Geez who needs this kind of pressure. Goals sound so ominous. Like Career. Comittment.  Marriage (god forbid). "Goals" is an abstract, broad term. Let's break it down to something simpler. Kinder.
What art projects do you want to do next year?
What art projects do you want to do next month?

See, that doesn't sound quite as bad. A project is doable. And it doesn't have to be your career.  The word project reminds me of grammer school and poster paper and strawberry scented magic markers. And of diorammas and cookies and milk. Forget life goals, who the heck knows what to do with their life anyway, lets get some projects started.

From my radio show we learned that:

Kelley: will do a body of work and talk to a local gallery to show her stuff before summer.

Vanessa: will Start Up her New Sewing Machine and make a blog post about it and report back next week. Her projects for the year is to use that sewing machine to combine paper and fabric and make mixed media things and clothing, and to publish in a magazine.   

Laura: Wants to buy a space to make and teach art in. She has two weeks to go to the County Clerks office to see if that building she wants is for sale so she can be one step closer to having a workshop space.  Starting an Outreach Program for people who can't afford art may help her get her project funded.

Lisa: will slow down and not start too many pieces at one time. She is going to pick one painting and learn how to make a wonderful print to put in her etsy shop.

Suzi: will complete her book, teach new classes, and make a new rubber stamp collection that has a series of free how to videos that show lots of new products to use.

        you can listen here

Listen to internet radio with Suzi Blu on Blog Talk Radio

One of my projects is to spruce up my living area creatively.  For starters, I wrapped the corner of my countertop in fabric.




Used a glue gun and folded the fabric over as I went to create pleats. It makes the edges of the cabinets softer and more rustic. I think. I'm sure that's not what my mom would think : )

I also painted Plaid's Chalk Board Paint on the wall so I can keep track of projects due, like my walk through PDF for Donna Downey's Inspired Class Im teaching in May. I also wrote inspiring words and phrases around it that remind me of who I am and what I like to do.

Patricia crocheted this for me for christmas. Each piece is a flower stiched together. She will make yOu one too if you want to order one for yourself. Then we can be flower scarf twins.


Gigi's goal for 2011 is to not let me put anymore stuff on her head.

I decided that I cannot die before my art stuff is organized. So this is a priority.

My goal for the next week is to finish this last mermaid painting entirely. So I can move onto doing frames and the cloth journal.

It's 2pm and I'm off to get a facial that was a present from Miss Patricia which will feel grand since I have my period and everything hurts and I want to be loved.  Then OH THEN we are going to Barnes and Noble and I'm purchasing, aquiring, scoring, a Nook.  Because I just finished off a book in 2 days and I am a girl who reads! We are starting a book club for real. One book per month.  Tomorrow's post will tell you all about it. I hope you read with me.

Day 12

No matter what I look like today or all that I've accomplished thus far with my life, I walk around like the girl I thought I was in highschool. Wavy bangs, big forehead, nervous, empty, not feeling I have anything of value to say or do, tripping over things, afraid you will point out my many flaws and condemn me for them. Feeling ashamed of wanting to read then buy clothes. Thinking there was "Something Wrong With Me" (as I was told over and over) because I never looked quite put together - even when I tried.  An unerving thing women will do to each other is look up and down, slowly, taking in clothes, hair, make up, and making judgements whether or not you are someone of value.  The only time I felt at ease with people were with boys, who thought I was pretty in whatever I wore, or with my best friend, another  twitchy girl like me.

     (Scott Jansen and me in Brooklyn.  I was 18 years old)

I am the closest today to how I was with my bff when I talk to you, my art friend.  The girls I write and make videos for, the nervous girls who instead of booze and boys we choose art to be the answer. Even if you don't agree with me you get it, most times, or giggle and forgive me and love me anyway when you don't. Truth is I loose that when I am not speaking to you. I go out into the world and even though I've straightened my bangs I feel like I haven't. Does that make sense? Like Im wearing last weeks dirty clothes all over again without washing them and you know it, even when I'm wearing something new and pretty.  Or when buying things at the supermarket my god especially there. Like you all know I still can't get it together. That I want to be a vegetarian and eat raw but don't have time to be a great artist and writer and make food. I go places and assume you don't want to talk to me. This is true.

   But then I come back here and feel whole again.  The biggest change I can wish for next year, 2011, is to make a tiny bridge between the two people I feel I am so instead of a long hike back,it's a quick skip to who I want to be. Ideally I'd like to take that nervous girl with me over the bridge with me over to the rest of us so she, and we, never have to be alone again.  Because a lot of us are her, aren't we?  That is the secret the girl looking you up and down doesn't tell you. She pays attention to your unperfect clothes and hair so that you will be too scared to see inside of her. How empty she is. My spiritual goal for next year is to remain in my center. To remain in love, with myself, and with the world, everyday, no matter what I or you look like or how anyone is behaving.  I will have to be vigilant and practice- yoga, meditation, reading, being quiet, affirmation mirrors, dealing with anger in the moment.  All of the things that will help keep me focused all day long.  Centered.

God, in my opinion, is our best friend. She sits on the couch with you under the covers and watches good movies.  She giggles with you in crowds, she is there when the mean girls do their worst and she suggests ice cream later. Better! Let's kiss puppies! Everything I felt with my bff as a kid that is what god is to me. I think thats the answer to when we feel goofy and alone, imagine god is your girlfriend and take her everywhere. Show her your art. Tell her jokes, and she will be there for you when no one else is. 

This also applies to "Living Our Dreams" which is not a place but a process. You aren't going to go from not living your life the way you want to - to everything being perfect and having all you imagine.  There is inbetween time where you are doing your dream but not all of it is manifest.  And here is something I thought of today: I may never get there. I may never Live My Dream.  I might die without proper shelving for my paints, with this old carpet that smells a bit like pee, in clothes that are ordinary and non matching. I may die witout finding romantic love, with my hair too short, I may die before i complete my book or doing all the paintings I want to make.  I may never have the Big Dream which is, this is the unconscious dream I tell myself I am reaching for: A house paid for on land they can't kick me off of that is cute and quiet and somewhat by the sea, with a steady income that comes in from making art and writing about life. Flying around the world when I want to, making art every day whenever I want. Someone to cook and clean so I don't have to take time away from living to do it.

 Now that I've written it down it doesn't seem like such an overwhelming dream. I am living most of it - but all of it is not here. I do not own my space, I cannot yet afford to hire a domestic someone, and I do not have enough money in the bank to take care of me for the rest of my life. Can I be happy in spite of this? Can I say I am living my dream right now if all my ducks are not in a row? If I never get all of this does that mean I am a failure?

   Will I say I came close to living my dream but ahhh....never really made it? There is nothing in the way of living the life of our dreams.  Appreciate where you already are, in your dream life, right now, and keep adding to it.  Process. Evolution. It is called Living Your Dreams not Getting your dreams and sitting in them and nothing ever changes.  Make a commitment to the essence of your dreams and you can live them everyday.

   But the world when they see you at parties, may not see your essence, your dream transition, as being very impressive. Like me and people that come to visit me and do not feel at home because there is no where normal to sit. Or strangers at the Beauty Salon who look so all put together and I so do not. Instead of feeling crappy I will take my BFF to the art store and buy a brush. And I will take all of you with me too, and I will feel strong. That, is the life of my dreams, feeling loved and accepted and solving all of my problems by making art.

 

Day 11

It's funny that I started counting the days when I thought I would give my self 21 days to add exercise to my life, but I think it is more a tallying of days in which I pay attention more. To my body yeah, sometimes, but more to my life. Like putting one moment under a microscope and telling you about it.
(kiss my tooth)

It’s complicated.
My house.
The most complicated part of my life has always been my house.  No matter how much room I have its never enough. Its never organized never together never makes sense never looks like a grown up lives there.  I get the kitchen under control, usually, except for dishes in the sink (getting better at that) but my livingroom has always doubled as a bedroom, tripled as an art studio. I always live in places that are run down and I never have enough money to fix it up. I now live in a cottage that will be torn down in approximately 6 months.  Ive been asked why I moved here when it was temporary but it doesn’t feel temporary. Im committed to this place. The area, the ocean, Patricia.  The walls that surround me can change but I know I am not leaving this town. So I sleep on a mattress on the floor because I dont want to move and have to throw away a bigger bed. I don’t buy anything new for the same reason I’ll only have to store it or ditch in the spring so I make due with whats around me. So far I haven’t invested any love or time into it because I know its going to go but thats not how I want to live. We never. Ever, know what is going to happen and you have to live like there is no tomorrow, today.

Christmas day after my nauseousness let up I hot glued fabric on the edge of a counter top in the kitchen. And Im planning a mural of a bird on a cabinet door.  I can tear it off when they rip the place down.
It has termites. The floors are not even. This house was built in the 1930’s and not up to code.
It’s gotta go.
What is freeing about this place is I can do what I want.
Draw on the walls she says.
I do.

I'll take pictures tomorrow.

Day 10

Christmas Eve Was Fun.

I went from preparing raw foods to cooking as many dead animals as I could at one time.
We went to a German Deli:
Ground beef, italian sausange, and braciole.
Supermarket for Ricotta, mozerela.
We made homemade gravy.
2 pans of beautiful lasagna.
Moms lasagna.
43 years and it's my first holiday away from home.
We drank egg nog and watched True blood.

Today?
Went to the movie theater at 10:30 am to see
True Grit for $6.00.  Patricia made me a purple scarf.

And we are dying from lasagna .

She up all night puking.
(accounts this to pecan pie
after dinner and not my cooking).
I’ve been rolling on the couch clutching my gut.
Coca Cola helps.

Sunday I need to finish making specimens to send off with my portfolio so the editor can present my ideas to her boss. Get to the gym. Swim. Make raw juices and heal my stomach.

 

Day 9

The Christmas Gigi is here!