A Lovely Dream

Day 19 and have breakfast like you mean it

A thought occured to me today:  "When are you going to use the fancy napkins?" I do not make a place setting for myself when I eat and especially not during the day. I put oatmeal in a bowl and shove it down over the sink. Then I gO gO gO until Im starving again and hurridly eat something else. Part of my healing means this has to stop.  So today, even though I don't have a lot of choices in the house, I ironed a place setting, with a cloth napkin, and set my table.

It may not seem like a lot but it is.  I'm acknowledging that I deserve pretty things, to be nurtured, and I'm celebrating the morning. All by myself. Cloth napkins for ME. Knowing I have to edit for 6 hours I am going to be in this spot. But even if I were painting, which tomorrow will be all day, wouldn't it be nice to have this there for me to snack on. A tier filled with things. A healthy muffin, nuts, fruit, jams. Then bring out more food for a real meal. 

A little sandwich on a paper towel isn't going to cut it.  I want to Live like I'm at a Bed and Breakfast.  I want abundance in the morning, and all day long.  My tea (Lemon Balm, makes you calm) tastes better when it's sitting there with a pretty cloth napkin.

Cute cute little mug from Home Goods. 

Shopping List
sprouted bagels
light cream cheese
a healthy hot apple turnover
Oatmeal

I need a list for lunch buffets which is also what I want to serve my girls who are taking my class here next weekend.  A buffet we can eat at all day. Hummus, crackers, grapes, cheese, little sandwiches. I think its good to eat like this while you are working.  Keep it available so you don't have to stop painting.

 

Next will be Fleece Pajamas for everyday of the week and not sleeping in my clothes.

Day 17 And Why Love Isn't Banging Down My Door

An Education

     I spent the night with Peter Sarsgaard and let him drag me through the mud.  Older man, young girl, he steals things, what red flag was not raised even 5 minutes into this movie? From the beginning when he offers to take her Cello for a ride I knew I was taking that ride too. Same hopes and dreams as she that yes, a smart and handsome and witty boy wants me. Even though I've been through this before. No stability.  Sure it's not too good to be true. Yes I will drink the cool aid. Please make it blue.

 Knowing we are already intoxicated the director makes it easy to follow the path: Ok, he lies and well, he steals. She'll marry him and watch him go to jail and they'll live in flop houses and she'll wish she followed her educated life instead. Got it. But, the way he looks at her. This is Love with a captial L. This is Living. This is better than books. It is what all good artists will put up with for a life well spent: Love Conquers All. So what if we are never comfortable and always in trouble.  This, this you and me...is bigger than life.

     And just like in real life I sit on the edge of the couch when the ordinary truth is revealed and feel the slap that says, "See, you fall for this everytime! You think things are more romantic and dangerous than they are. This is it, right here. This guy. Not the bad boy thieving clever adrenaline nut who is in love with you, yes that is what you signed up for, but the icky and the sick.  The truth is he sits at home in a recliner watching Americas Next Top Model next to his wife.  They go to Bed Bath and Beyond and he picks out the dishes she has to look at for the next 30 years (because, well, she picked out the sofa it's only fair.) The way he looked at you, heh, it's the way he's looked at everyone.  He does this all the time.  In fact, if they get pregnant he likes it better. So it's not that he's dangerous, none of it is real. In his eyes you were nothing special."

  Later, she is walking around her English teachers house and says:
This is very nice. All your art....and books.
It's post cards and paper backs.
Yes, but, thats all one needs, isnt it?  A place.

  When I feed my own soul no one can pull the ground from underneath me and all of the meaning in my life never drops away. I am not considering if my towels are masculine enough for the bathroom.  You aren't going to give me Paris, I can give that to myself. I want kisses and trips to the zoo and then I want you to go home. Is it no wonder Love isn't beating a path to my door? It knows I'm not going to open it.

 

 

Day 15

" The cold had polished and clarified the sky into onyx."
pg 43 Lit - from Book Club

That feeling. oh.
That feeling.
Sick naseous tired. Sinking.

Like the year isn't even a few hours old and already its worse.
Made an ass out of myself. Felt
Lonley sick
lonely. Now the morning after,
just sick.
Avoiding betrayed eyes in the mirror.
Mascara caked.
Nail polish chipped.
Too shakey to drive, do I have to drive?
Hard to believe 12 hours ago held manic expectation.
What did I think would happen?

That is what it was usually like on the first day of january, for most of my life since I was old enough to guzzle things I shouldn't. It was nice to wake up and feel well rested, happy, whole. I might not be wearing anything glamerous or have any times to tell you about, but I feel good.

I had period pain and ate 4 bowls of a cereal that is the healthy version of sugar smacks and watched three episodes of Law and Order SVU. Eyes heavy from fighting pain (where is my motrin?) we crashed into the pink blanket at around ten ocklock. Marvelous.  Nothing happened. I did not fall in love. I magically slept and celebrated nothing.

At 7 am we awoke and everyone wanted to pee so we walked. It was cold and oddly quiet. No cars going to work. Reminded me of the country and if anything I know when I buy property it will be somewhere without cars. I just don't want to hear anyone. Or see them. Unless I want to. Like the man over 60 jittering down the street toward us dangling a beer bottle next to his thigh.  7 am man.  I wonder if he feels magical.

Book Club Note
I am on page46.

 

 

Day 14

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

JANUARY BOOK CLUB

So that out of the way, let's read.  Now, for January you have the choice of two books. Both by Mary Karr, Lit, or The Liars Club.

Having read The Liars Club I am reading Lit.  It is a continuation of her memoir (she has one called Cherry that is in the middle but thats not necessary to read).  Her book Liars Club is the first and although you do not need to have read it to understand Lit you will appreciate her more because you'll know exactly what she went through growing up. Either book you choose I reccomend highlighting passages that either you can relate to or are just such damn good writing you want to know them forever.  Put the sentances in your Art Journal for this month.  Maybe you will be inspired to make pages about what you have read.

I am on page 40. 

I highlighted this:

"At some point, a looming figure glided up to the foggy side window, and I jerked huffing in air to holler, but the scream got stuck, just added itself onto the large round scream that all my life had been assembling in my chest.  It felt like a huge lump of cold clay.  Someday I was gonna holler so long, glass would shatter and walls explode." pg 20

A book I read mostly all in one day is God Hates Us All.  It is a real book written by a ficticious author from the TV show Californication.  Its not near good enough to be book club worthy but witty and a fun fast ride.

 

Day 13

WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS FOR NEXT YEAR?
HUH? DO YOU KNOW?
WHAT WERE THEY LAST YEAR?
DID YOU REACH THEM?
WHY NOT?
WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY CANT YOU ACHIVE YOUR GOALS?

Geez who needs this kind of pressure. Goals sound so ominous. Like Career. Comittment.  Marriage (god forbid). "Goals" is an abstract, broad term. Let's break it down to something simpler. Kinder.
What art projects do you want to do next year?
What art projects do you want to do next month?

See, that doesn't sound quite as bad. A project is doable. And it doesn't have to be your career.  The word project reminds me of grammer school and poster paper and strawberry scented magic markers. And of diorammas and cookies and milk. Forget life goals, who the heck knows what to do with their life anyway, lets get some projects started.

From my radio show we learned that:

Kelley: will do a body of work and talk to a local gallery to show her stuff before summer.

Vanessa: will Start Up her New Sewing Machine and make a blog post about it and report back next week. Her projects for the year is to use that sewing machine to combine paper and fabric and make mixed media things and clothing, and to publish in a magazine.   

Laura: Wants to buy a space to make and teach art in. She has two weeks to go to the County Clerks office to see if that building she wants is for sale so she can be one step closer to having a workshop space.  Starting an Outreach Program for people who can't afford art may help her get her project funded.

Lisa: will slow down and not start too many pieces at one time. She is going to pick one painting and learn how to make a wonderful print to put in her etsy shop.

Suzi: will complete her book, teach new classes, and make a new rubber stamp collection that has a series of free how to videos that show lots of new products to use.

        you can listen here

Listen to internet radio with Suzi Blu on Blog Talk Radio

One of my projects is to spruce up my living area creatively.  For starters, I wrapped the corner of my countertop in fabric.




Used a glue gun and folded the fabric over as I went to create pleats. It makes the edges of the cabinets softer and more rustic. I think. I'm sure that's not what my mom would think : )

I also painted Plaid's Chalk Board Paint on the wall so I can keep track of projects due, like my walk through PDF for Donna Downey's Inspired Class Im teaching in May. I also wrote inspiring words and phrases around it that remind me of who I am and what I like to do.

Patricia crocheted this for me for christmas. Each piece is a flower stiched together. She will make yOu one too if you want to order one for yourself. Then we can be flower scarf twins.


Gigi's goal for 2011 is to not let me put anymore stuff on her head.

I decided that I cannot die before my art stuff is organized. So this is a priority.

My goal for the next week is to finish this last mermaid painting entirely. So I can move onto doing frames and the cloth journal.

It's 2pm and I'm off to get a facial that was a present from Miss Patricia which will feel grand since I have my period and everything hurts and I want to be loved.  Then OH THEN we are going to Barnes and Noble and I'm purchasing, aquiring, scoring, a Nook.  Because I just finished off a book in 2 days and I am a girl who reads! We are starting a book club for real. One book per month.  Tomorrow's post will tell you all about it. I hope you read with me.