'Angels Hear You' Print found here.
I love the idea that an unseen force is gently cradling you but you can't see it. I don't care if it's true. I don't need video tape, I can believe it's true, if I want to. It isn't going to hurt in fact, beliving you are loved and cared for even if you see no evidence of that in your life will make you feel as if you are. There is no difference.
Even when there is no one in your life, currently, that is acting like they care about you, someone you haven't even met does. We are all connected, that is why we cry at other's tragedy. It is only when we consciously block ourselves off from caring, that we act like we don't care. But we do. Unless people are fundamentally screwy on a dna level, and there are those like that, just watch court tv, humans care. They just have learned not to care.
There is a girl who took away the only boy I ever (thought) I loved, and even then I didn't hate her. I hated him for making me believe he loved me when he only loved himself. I am easily manipulated because there is no room in my brain for me to let you into my life and then think you have ulterior motives. That requires more thought on things that are not art and puppy dogs and hot chocolate. So I trust. Blindly.
Over the years I have learned not to trust, not by dating and checking cell phone messages and keeping boys on short leashes, but by not dating anyone of substance that would turn into anything. Never allowing the situation that defined most of my life, to occur.
I tell you this because that girl, who took my guy, well, they got married. Then they got divorced. Then she found someone else. And just the other day, he died. The new guy in her life.
I feel nothing but saddness for her. I do not believe she got the better part of the deal. I am grateful I did not have to spend more years with him, knowing him the way I do now. And seeing her pain, from a life time of tragedy, I no longer take it personally. I don't care that he chose her over me, he never knew me. The real me. Some people aren't capable of seeing who we are.
I feel nothing but compassion for her. I want her to be happy. She has had two other horrible tragedies too, of loosing people she loved. We are fb friends but we only met once in real life. I was dating him and she, drunk at a club, came up to me and said she was sorry she still loved him, and tried so hard to get over him but couldn't. He was her drug and she was letting him kill her. Just like I did, when four years later he broke up with me over the phone to marry her. I was 26. (Then it was my turn to be drunk. For five years).
I never gave my heart away since that day. Of course, I was a kid. I had no idea someone could look at me and say I was everything, but not mean it. He played us both the entire time. Wanting his, "Cake and to eat it too." His words the day I found her drivers liscense on the floor of my car. He got her pregnant. We stayed together two more years.
I know now to run away from guys like that, but I never learned to trust again. I think though that I don't want to go through the rest of my life without that magic. You know? But I can't do it like all the other times before. I get lost on a jawline, I'm an artist. I can't help it. But that is not knowing someone. I need to somehow learn how to burn past the passion and take the time to get to know a boy. Because, I would rather die than go through any of that again.
So I'm saying, to this girl, and to whoever is reading, you may feel alone, but unseen forces truly care about you. If you believe in spirit, then this may be easy. But if you are unsure, you can still believe in the human race. Somewhere, someone does care. Even if at the moment you can't see them.