Getting pregnant and having the baby was never an option in my life. I had an eating disorder for the first half keeping me cripplingly physically ill, then anxiety disorder for the second half, keeping me mentally unable to care for anything very well, least of all myself.
Now I'm 46. I eat well. I am calm. I could now.
I don't have a romantic partner. I don't date. I barely leave the house except errands. I live in a house with a dear dear friend and I could stay here forever. I am taken care of. For the first time I am stable and relaxed. It get's me thinking.
I work a lot because I'm building a business. After my dad died I couldn't think straight for a year. I spent my time dying and cutting my hair and crying at pictures. I let my business go. I just made it through each day. Now I am reshooting all my *basics* videos in HD with new information, better than anything I've done before. I have a long list of classes to film back to back. I'm working a lot. I am getting caught up and then I will get ahead.
What I'm saying is it won't always be like this. For the next year I will build my nest egg, my empire. I will take my place back among thee best instructional and inspirational videos out there. But then, what? I love my life and painting every day and writing stories to go with them, but then, what? then eat and go to bed? Art carries me through each day in bliss, but is it enough?
Now that my immediately family has disintegrated and nearly gone, I notice other peoples. I live in Salt Lake City now, which is 90% Mormon. Everyone here has very large families and I see little blond kids everywhere. I see wives and husbands. No I don't want to be Mormon. ha.
I never dated what could be a husband. I dated poets. Or drunk boys pretending to be poets. I had so much angst and anxiety, my life was figuring out life, figuring out why I was always so sad, the world felt like a very cruel place. It was hard to live in it.
Dad died and now all I see is life. I used to brood, now I smile at little children. Everything has changed. I am not the same person any longer. Everything that meant so much to me, before, means nothing now. I do not care about how people did shitty things to me back when. The worst thing has come to pass. I lost the one man I ever truely loved, who ever loved me. Nothing scares me anymore. There is nothing left to take away.
What annoys me is people with children listing the reasons why I won't want to have one. That they cry and bite and scream and it sucks. I understand that the grass is never greener, but all those things they say I'll have to give up have been given up a long time ago. I don't go to bars I don't go out and have *fun*. I see adopting a 2-5 year old as adding to my life.
I do want to be a writer. I want to write stories and illustrate them and publish them myself. That is a lot of quiet time. And while I live with a *tribe* and would not be on my own raising a kid, can I somehow fill this void without one? I don't even know what it is I'm feeling. I cry when I see families. I never had that. I had my parents, but never a (nice) guy look at me and say I was the one. I was a nice girl but the guys I chose never saw that. I gave up and painted.
It hurts so much when women say I shouldn't have a baby. That somehow I am different from all the women out there who did, even the ones that didn't think about it too much and just popped one out. They got to experience it. Even bad mothers. But me, oh no, there is something so wrong with me that no suzi, you shouldn't. No one actually says that, what they say is, "its more work then fun, they don't give you the love back..etc" But why say that to me? Why didn't people say that to them? Why me? Why am I so different?
I am sober and living in utah, so the only place I will meet a guy that has anything in common with me will be at recovery meetings, of which I'm going to go to. I don't know if it starts with a baby or it starts with meeting a nice guy or if I just shut up and write.
The only thing I know is I never, ever, ached before. I never longed. When boys broke up with me to marry someone else I did not wish it were me. I was sad they were out of my life, devestated, a few guys did that to me, but being married and making a kid wasn't close to on my radar. I had way too many problems. I just wanted to get through a day and be happy.
Mortality is real and I'm wondering, now, if I could be living life better. I don't want to tear up when I see a family. I don't want to think, gee, what is wrong with me? Why didn't I want that? Why didn't I think about it at all? Why was I only just surviving?
Doggies are absolutely wonderful and I will always have them, but something, something something, is missing. It isn't mentoring or teaching, it is laughing with your family, it is cooking dinner for them, it is what my dad gave to me. I want that connection. I want to be the world and matter to someone more deeply than to just myself. I can't explain it.