No matter what I look like today or all that I've accomplished thus far with my life, I walk around like the girl I thought I was in highschool. Wavy bangs, big forehead, nervous, empty, not feeling I have anything of value to say or do, tripping over things, afraid you will point out my many flaws and condemn me for them. Feeling ashamed of wanting to read then buy clothes. Thinking there was "Something Wrong With Me" (as I was told over and over) because I never looked quite put together - even when I tried. An unerving thing women will do to each other is look up and down, slowly, taking in clothes, hair, make up, and making judgements whether or not you are someone of value. The only time I felt at ease with people were with boys, who thought I was pretty in whatever I wore, or with my best friend, another twitchy girl like me.
(Scott Jansen and me in Brooklyn. I was 18 years old)
I am the closest today to how I was with my bff when I talk to you, my art friend. The girls I write and make videos for, the nervous girls who instead of booze and boys we choose art to be the answer. Even if you don't agree with me you get it, most times, or giggle and forgive me and love me anyway when you don't. Truth is I loose that when I am not speaking to you. I go out into the world and even though I've straightened my bangs I feel like I haven't. Does that make sense? Like Im wearing last weeks dirty clothes all over again without washing them and you know it, even when I'm wearing something new and pretty. Or when buying things at the supermarket my god especially there. Like you all know I still can't get it together. That I want to be a vegetarian and eat raw but don't have time to be a great artist and writer and make food. I go places and assume you don't want to talk to me. This is true.
But then I come back here and feel whole again. The biggest change I can wish for next year, 2011, is to make a tiny bridge between the two people I feel I am so instead of a long hike back,it's a quick skip to who I want to be. Ideally I'd like to take that nervous girl with me over the bridge with me over to the rest of us so she, and we, never have to be alone again. Because a lot of us are her, aren't we? That is the secret the girl looking you up and down doesn't tell you. She pays attention to your unperfect clothes and hair so that you will be too scared to see inside of her. How empty she is. My spiritual goal for next year is to remain in my center. To remain in love, with myself, and with the world, everyday, no matter what I or you look like or how anyone is behaving. I will have to be vigilant and practice- yoga, meditation, reading, being quiet, affirmation mirrors, dealing with anger in the moment. All of the things that will help keep me focused all day long. Centered.
God, in my opinion, is our best friend. She sits on the couch with you under the covers and watches good movies. She giggles with you in crowds, she is there when the mean girls do their worst and she suggests ice cream later. Better! Let's kiss puppies! Everything I felt with my bff as a kid that is what god is to me. I think thats the answer to when we feel goofy and alone, imagine god is your girlfriend and take her everywhere. Show her your art. Tell her jokes, and she will be there for you when no one else is.
This also applies to "Living Our Dreams" which is not a place but a process. You aren't going to go from not living your life the way you want to - to everything being perfect and having all you imagine. There is inbetween time where you are doing your dream but not all of it is manifest. And here is something I thought of today: I may never get there. I may never Live My Dream. I might die without proper shelving for my paints, with this old carpet that smells a bit like pee, in clothes that are ordinary and non matching. I may die witout finding romantic love, with my hair too short, I may die before i complete my book or doing all the paintings I want to make. I may never have the Big Dream which is, this is the unconscious dream I tell myself I am reaching for: A house paid for on land they can't kick me off of that is cute and quiet and somewhat by the sea, with a steady income that comes in from making art and writing about life. Flying around the world when I want to, making art every day whenever I want. Someone to cook and clean so I don't have to take time away from living to do it.
Now that I've written it down it doesn't seem like such an overwhelming dream. I am living most of it - but all of it is not here. I do not own my space, I cannot yet afford to hire a domestic someone, and I do not have enough money in the bank to take care of me for the rest of my life. Can I be happy in spite of this? Can I say I am living my dream right now if all my ducks are not in a row? If I never get all of this does that mean I am a failure?
Will I say I came close to living my dream but ahhh....never really made it? There is nothing in the way of living the life of our dreams. Appreciate where you already are, in your dream life, right now, and keep adding to it. Process. Evolution. It is called Living Your Dreams not Getting your dreams and sitting in them and nothing ever changes. Make a commitment to the essence of your dreams and you can live them everyday.
But the world when they see you at parties, may not see your essence, your dream transition, as being very impressive. Like me and people that come to visit me and do not feel at home because there is no where normal to sit. Or strangers at the Beauty Salon who look so all put together and I so do not. Instead of feeling crappy I will take my BFF to the art store and buy a brush. And I will take all of you with me too, and I will feel strong. That, is the life of my dreams, feeling loved and accepted and solving all of my problems by making art.
