Cynco de Sober

4 years ago today I was throwing up and shaking in my bed.
I didn't have anyone to call to get me pepto. At least pepto, let alone get me a soda or hold my hand or god forbid take me to the hospital. I was poisoned, for sure. I drank an entire bottle of vodka (after several chocolate martini appetizers) hard and fast on an empty stomach. 

I'd just ended a date with a boy who hated me.
I had no friends.
I was taking classes I didn't care about.
I was lost.
I was lost.
I was lost.
 

And so I just stopped.

Everything I thought I knew,
I knew
I knew nothing.


Whatever I would normally do I'd do the opposite.
Or do nothing.
If I've learned anything its that if you don't know

where you are going
it's a good idea to stay where you are.

Sometimes we are guided.
Sometimes we are not.

You can't wait for someone to be there for you.
You must be brave.
And be there for yourself.

All of this 4 years has been learning more about me.

Who am I . really?
Where do I want to live?

What do I want in a friend?
What kind of friend am I?
What do I want more than anything?
What am I done with?

Sometimes we have to go back and re-parent ourselves.

Go to bed early.
Make nutrition a priority.
Stay outdoors.
Heal.

I don't know when my healing will be over.
I still feel like a used up rusty thing, most of the time.
But with sunshine I feel better.

Sometimes I am scared and want to be held.

Sometimes I feel alone no matter who is around.

It's about relearning everything. Its habit, that's all.
Habitually thinking negatively, about yourself, your potential,
about the future.  You only give yourself
what you think you deserve.

Look around you.
Right now, go ahead.
I'll wait.

Do you like what you see?

If not, then put down everything bad and ugly.
All of it. Whatever bad and ugly is to you.
Only collect around you what is beautiful and loving.
                                                                    (this includes people).
Love mean people but don't hang out with them.
                                               (until they start being loving).

For me - I bought the pinkest, loveliest 80.00 soft soft baby soft

blanket and smooth bed sheets.
And lavender room spray.
and gigi.
and banana peanut butter milkshakes.
and pens and journals and
time.
Here is to becoming who we were meant to be.
And sticking with it no matter how long

it takes.