So my dad died.
True story:
So the second morning after his death I open the back door to let the dogs pee and right RIGHT in front of the door is a little blackish bird laying on his side looking very dead. Mom gets a box and picks him up and his legs shake a bit and she says, "The bird isn't dead, it probably hit the window and knocked itself out." She put it in the box with shredding and placed him by the window. Here is the bird enjoying the warmness of an inside house. Mom and I have coffee and stare. Then we take the box outside and place it onto the patio table in the warm sun that has started to shine down. We go back inside and have cereal. After cereal I go outside and the bird is still in the box, cozy, but then when sees me flies away.
Now the bird really looked dead. It was laying there, RIGHT in front of the door I open every morning. i know the bird was meant for me to see. I think the message is Things are Not What They Appear To Be and that dad is fine. It would be like him to say, "Ok, gotta tell suzi as quick as I can in whatever way that I can." I can see him sneaking off and doing it before he got caught. He'd want me to know immediately that this afterlife stuff is cool and I shouldn't sweat it at all. I mean a bird, dead, laying there dead, then flying away later? Things are indeed not what they seem.
My dad had a massive heart attack 5 years ago that left him with just half a heart. He was much weaker than he was for most of his life but he never acted that way. He always wanted to work and do stuff. He probably should have just sat in a chair all day but that wasn't him. He had another heart attack at 7:30 in the morning on November 10th. He had what seemed like the flu for a few days, went to the doctor but they couldn't find anything wrong. He was puking all night. Not feeling well. Then died right in front of my brother who tried cpr to save him. Thats when he yelled for me and mom. I tilted his recliner as far back as I could by leaning on it as allen pumped his chest and breathed into his mouth. I stroked his grey hair. Ambulance came and they shocked him but he never came back.
After the bird thing I started to feel like he was with me. Really, in my heart. I felt it. I still do. It was very strong all week but today it is weaker. Maybe he is leaving? He always said, "You are my blood, you are a part of me." I looked down at my hands and saw his hands, it was his features mixed in with mine when I looked in the mirror. I don't feel it as strong today, it being two weeks later, maybe he is leaving? Maybe Im not as receptive as I was now that I am going back to life. I cried constantly for 6 days but now I don't cry at all. I can't seem to bring any tears. My mom and brother too. We'd all cry all the time and now we don't. I think its the body's way of protecting itself. Numb I guess. Like he went out shopping and just hasn't returned. That it is too surreal and painful to take it in so instead you don't. The wake was stupid. I mean, I will never have an open casket again. When I said goodbye to him in the emergency room he was warm and it looked like him. I don't know what they try to do at the funeral home but it was far from what he looked like and touching him was cold. The mass at the church was beautiful. And now dad is home with us in a black box. Mom and I will make a ceramic urn to put the box into, but for now he sits in the corner of the mantel on the right side of the fire place. Dad is in a box. Dad is no more.
See, that doesn't register. Its like cigarette ashes or something in there. In my head I can still see him clearly, like the last glimpse I got of him the night I went to sleep. Back of his head, little knit hat on to keep him warm, writing on facebook. He was feeling better and talking to people, reading political stuff, Italian recipes he was planning to cook. He was still involved in life. Still had stuff to do.
Instead of moving to Minnesota with Goog I am staying in Jersey to take care of my mother. She needs to sell the house and we will get a mother/daughter and I will live next door. She will fall apart if I don't. And I also don't want to leave. Even though he is not here I want to be as close to what he was close to before.
But to stay I need room, so I rented a storefront. Im calling it Gypsy Art School.
It's the cutest little store, lots of room, lots of light. I will teach in person classes there and also film my online ones. Its a meeting place. It's going to be so many things. It's everything I ever wanted and now it is so. It literally fell into my lap. Was half the price of what stores go for, the landlords are literally off the boat from Italy, it's ten minutes from my house, it's like dad hand picked the place for me. I move in December 1.
So here is to dreams living on, and living loudly. Here is to not procrastinating and saying the time isn't right or things aren't perfect or I don't have enough money in the bank. Just do it. Work like hell to make it happen. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us. Today might not be perfect but its ALL WE HAVE. Every day I hug and kiss mom and am patient and kind. I am the person I always wanted to be, instantly, overnight. There is literally no time to waste.
